Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A Typical Morning Around Here

Fucking cats, I can't even drink my coffee in peace before they swarm me.

The one right in front is my cat, Baby.

She has.......issues. I got her when she was so small she literally could sit in the palm of my hand.
I think she is about 5 or six years old and when she is in the house, she waits until I sit down and then launches from the floor into my lap. Loves to do that when I am taking a nap too, the little fucker.


She is definitely my cat and she looooooooves me. If I let her, she will lay on my chest for hours but everything has to be on her terms.
If you try to pet her in any other location in the house she freaks the fuck out and bites your ass.
Issues I tells ya, it stems from my drinking days when she was young and as stubborn as a Missouri Mule.
Her favorite thing was to get on the counters and the table looking for goodies. This is a Big No No with me. Cats do not belong on the counters. As we went round and round and round for months with this issue I started giving the little fucker flying lessons finally when she wouldn't get down. She damn well knew better but would look me right in the eyes and do it anyway.
A couple of shots off the wall finally got her attention but she has been real touchy about anyone getting too close to her without it being on her terms ever since. I can understand that and feel bad about it but it is a text book example of having to learn things the hard way. She finally got the message though.

The one on my feet down there is Bitsy.
She used to be my Parents cat.
She is seventeen fucking years old!

No front claws, grumpy just like an old lady and thinks my legs are her personal heating units.

She will wait for me to sit down too and then jumps from the edge of the couch onto the foot rest. She cracks my ass up because she bitches at me until my legs are in just the right spot that she wants them in and then climbs over them and starts snoozing.

I almost got one of the new cats in the picture too, but she booked when I picked the phone up.

There are four of these shedding machines in the house and three, four or six more outside. I lost count.
Only one of those ever comes inside. He is the only dude cat we have, there is a neighbor cat that lives here now but I don't count him.

I think there are four cats that neighbors have either moved away and abandoned or don't feed them like my wife does.

One day last Summer I stepped out back to have a smoke and counted thirteen motherfucking cats in my small backyard.

This doesn't include the family of five Raccoons that my wife leaves cat food out for.

Apparently she neglected to mention that she was Ely May Clampett reincarnated when we got married.

Her and her fucking critters make me crazy so I just ignore them as much as I can.

These two in the picture though, will not be ignored.

So now you see what I get to do when I wake up and the same thing repeats its self when I get home from work and sit down.

I am pussy whipped.


One Fly said...

Do you have room for another inside cat?? Stretch is really an easy cat. I can deliver.

Secesh said...

If you got to be whipped by something, that's the right one.

Anonymous said...

Baby looks like my cats sister. (And I "feel you pain")


https://northwesternlocalist.wordpress.com/ said...


Phil said...

Sure enough, they could be twins!
BTW, did you notice that not only do we have identical cats but we also have the same last name?

That's a trip.

Phil said...

HMM, it doesn't look like it shows on the Blog but my last name is also Paul.

Anonymous said...

Cats are real characters. Its funny that most people are EITHER dog or cat people, love one, HATE the other. My wife and I own both, an outdoor dog and indoor pair of cats. Cats are a pita, but they also make your life better as well, just like a spouse. :^)

Phil said...

I had nine dogs growing up and every single one of them got run over, I gave up after the last one, he was an otherwise great dog but there is something about trying to read spinning hubcaps that they couldn't resist.

I have always had cats since I was a little kid and have to come to believe that they can be incredibly cheap entertainment at times and definitely have their own personalities.

millerized said...

Running a 17 cat household myself. Not counting strays that either eat on the back porch, or come in and dine like civil folk. Cat doors are open 24/7, and they all come and go as they please.

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