Saturday, January 7, 2017

A Southerner Moves Up North

I have no idea where this originated, it's been around for years.
It's so old that the first time I ever saw it was a paper copy my Dad had in his file cabinet out in his garage.
I laughed so fucking hard I almost pulled a muscle.

In honor of more of the fucking white shit heading this way, snow then an inch of ice predicted, I present to you an old favorite.

The diary of a poor soul who moved from sunny Florida to some unnamed Northern state just in time for Winter to hit.


A Southerner Moves up North

diary:

Dec 8. - It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first I've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window. Watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Dec 9. - We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and I loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec 10. - It snowed an additional 6 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-grey.

Dec 11. - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway; $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected today.

Dec 12. - Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable amount of damage to the rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snow plow came by twice today. I'm positive the sadistic motherfucker is doing it on purpose just to be a dick.

Dec 13. - Two degrees below zero outside! More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put out the flames, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on way to emergency room and was totaled. Had to get a ride from the tow truck driver to the hospital, can't wait for that bill. Four hour wait for a cab to get back home.Made him stop and wait while I went inside the liquor store and bought two cases of whiskey on the way back.

Dec 14. - Goddamn mother-fucking white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch that sonofbitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof is starting to cave in.

Dec 15. - Six goddamn more inches of fucking snow and fucking sleet and fucking ice and god knows what other kind of motherfucking white shit fell last night. I wounded that cocksucker of a snowplow driver asshole with an ice axe but he managed to get away. He left a trail of blood to follow later though. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More fucking snow predicted. Wind chill is minus 22 fucking degrees.

Fuck this shit. I'm moving back to Florida.

10 comments:

  1. Sounds like New Hampshire. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm in New Hampshire now. Think that guy used to live down the road from me . . .

    ReplyDelete
  3. relative of wirecutters?

    Wildflower

    ReplyDelete
  4. I moved from sunny El Paso to New Hampshire...12 miles from the Canadian border...LOVE IT!

    ReplyDelete
  5. My wife and I grew up in northern Montana, about 50 miles east of Glacier National Park. I saw it get to -48degrees at night for some three weeks, then warm up to -20 degrees during the days. And the wind never quit. Further, we never missed a day of school.

    Wher we live now, in vancouver USA, when the first snowflake hits the ground, the sissies-that-be close down the whole fucking area.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must be close by because that's where I am.

      It always cracks me up to watch the news when it gets icy, highly entertaining.
      It's like watching a Youtube of Fails on Prime Time.

      Delete
    2. Apparently so. We live in Orchards, just north of NE 49th St.
      Scottiebill

      Delete
    3. Scottiebill, if you see this, Email me at BustednucklesATGmailDotCom.
      We are very, very, VERY close nearby.

      Delete
  6. After 25 years in Minnesota(where I'm positive this guy moved to), I finally pulled my head out of my ass and moved to Arizona.

    Yes, we have scorpions, rattlers, javelinas, tarantulas, gila monsters, jumping cholla, and everything here's trying to sting, stick or poison you every second. But we have low taxes, sunshine in excess of ten minutes a year, cars that aren't eaten by road salt before you make the last payment, and Constitutional Carry. The only issue we have is recent immigrants from the People's Republik of Kalifornia who moved here determined to bring their Leftists politics with them, but if they get too annoying, we have a lot of abandoned mineshafts... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. We moved to Florida twenty years ago, from Idaho.
    Not even a small desire to move back !

    ReplyDelete

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