Sunday, January 22, 2017

FOR IT IS WRITTEN !

Somewhere, it has to be.
I just have to find it.
I'm thinking Book of Revelations or someplace else in the Bible where God has cursed mankind for the sins it commits.

What am I babbling about now?
Pull up a chair and I will explain.

So yesterday I went to one of my favorite places and picked up a couple of items, you know, Harbor Freight again.
When we had all that ice and snow a week or so they came out with a bunch of coupons and another one of their regular MEGA SALES!!
One of the items on sale was one of those tank top propane heaters I thought it might be nice to have.
So I loaded up and mosied on over there to get one.


Of course, they were sold out.

So I got a rain check and made sure the surly little blonde chick filled it out with the coupon number and reduced price so that when I came back, I wasn't going to pay full boat on it. $29 I could do, $45 I won't.

Yesterday, I mosied my narrow little ass right back over there to pick one up figuring they had plenty of time to restock.
Yeppers, they had several.

So, it is impossible for me to just run in and out of that fucking place. I figure I am doing well to get out of there for under $100 every time I set foot in the place
.
Have I mentioned I'm a tool junkie lately?
So anyways, back to the point here.

While I was in there I spotted a One Ton Arbor Press that I have been kinda sorta wanting for some inexplicable reason for a while now.
I don't really have a need for one but hey, tool junkie, remember?
Normally they are about $70, which in the past has been just enough for me to look at them hard and just keep walking. I've read the reviews on the thing.


Lo and behold, yesterday they have some kind of special deal on it for $39 if you are a member of some "Insider club".
I have no idea what that entails but into the cart the fucking thing goes.

I get up to the counter and start in with the guy.
This club deal is $30 a year and they send you metric assloads of coupons and special deals every month that regular folks don't get.
OK, that will make the purchase of this Press pretty much full price but I rationalize to myself that I wanted one anyway and I will more than likely make up that $30 in savings inside of two weeks at the rate I spend money in that place.

Done.
I got another one of their cheapie little Multi Meters for free and even got another 20% off the press with a coupon they honored.
So I basically got $200 worth of shit for 1/2 price.
Told ya, $100.

Now for the reason for the title of this post finally.

I unboxed the little press and took it apart to clean it, adjust it and lubricate it. Like I said, I've read the reviews.
As usual, I found a bunch of loose bolts and even one that was stripped out.
As I am test fitting the gears I noticed two holes on the top for oiling the shaft I am assuming.
Looking closer it appears that if I just drill those two holes out a smidgeon that I could tap them and put grease fittings in them which would be way the hell better than having oil running all over the damn place due to their less than precise tolerances on the shaft and the boss it goes in.


Out comes the drill and the tap and in just a few minutes it's ready for some grease fittings.
I dug around and found a pair and screwed them right in.


Then I went over to my Roll Away and grabbed a grease gun out of the bottom drawer and hooked it to the first fitting and started pumping away on the handle.

Nothing happened.
No grease.
This has happened to me at least a hundred times in my life, I used to grease heavy equipment all day long for a living.
Not a problem I think to myself. I threw it down and dug out another one.
And another one.
And another one!
Four motherfucking grease guns and every single one of the cocksuckers is empty!

Are you fucking kidding me?!
One or two I can see.
Four in a row must be some kind of sign.



This is when it came to me, somewhere God must have put a curse on grease guns.

BEHOLD SINNERS!
BECAUSE YOU HAVE DISPLEASED THE LORD YOUR GOD, WHENEVER YOU ARE IN DIRE NEED OF LUBRICATION YOU WILL FIND EVERY GREASE GUN IN THE LAND TO BE EMPTY WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST UNTIL THE RETURN OF CHRIST HIMSELF AMEN!

I also think there is a sub curse that goes along with it.

BEHOLD SINNERS! LISTEN UP!
AFTER YOU HAVE TRAVELED FAR AND WIDE TO FIND GREASE FOR YOUR GREASE GUNS, YOU WILL FOREVER AND EVER FIND THAT ONCE YOU HAVE GREASE COVERING YOUR DIRTY SINNING HANDS THERE WILL NOT BE A GREASE RAG TO BE FOUND WITHIN TWENTY FIVE FEET.
SO SAYETH THE LORD YOUR GOD!

Because it never, ever fails.
Today was no different.
And so it will be for eternity or until there is no more need for grease guns, whichever comes first.

Amen.

3 comments:

  1. I'm in that club, too, and it paid off big time when I did The Great Supra Suspension Rebuild last summer.

    And I always buy two cartridges of grease for my gun because two is one, and one is none!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Buy a small jar of never-seize. You can paint the entire world with it. Twice. (allen-1)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have the same problem with Sportsmans Guide. They entice me with their double club discount and free shipping coupons all the time. I need to have a yard sale to make room in the garage so that I can buy more stuff that I'll probably never use.............

    ReplyDelete

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