Not Now, Not Ever

Not Now, Not Ever

Monday, September 1, 2014

FootBall Season Is Almost Here

Which means I get to hear Seahawk smack talk for the forseeable future.

I will also be treated to hearing how badly my Raiders suck for that same time span.

All I can say is that even though Seattle may have thrown their second string boys in down in Oakland last week for the Pre Season match,

Oakland still got the WIN and I'll fucking take it.

The Wife got tickets for the November rematch and Oakland will be in Seattle to get their asses handed to them while we watch.

In all my years I have never seen the Raiders play, even though I was born in Oakland, we moved when I was still a baby.

Even twenty five years later when I lived in the Bay area, the fuckers had moved to LA and I couldn't see them play.

So I have mixed emotions about this whole deal.
The wife and the kid are going to eat this up and I am happy that they are going to have a good time, it will be something the kid will remember the rest of his life probably.

I'll be smack dab in the middle of enemy territory with my Raiders gear on and my Raiders attitude shining bright, sober as a church mouse.

When you are a natural born Raiders fan, nothing else matters.

Just win, baby.

And if they don't?

I'm used to it now and I was never a huge foot ball fan to begin with.

Motorsports are my thing.

But being born in Oakland automatically makes you a lifetime Raiders fan.

Fuck the Niner's, Fuck Denver and DOUBLE FUCK Pittsburgh, eh?

It definitely has had an impact on my attitude in life though.

You take a lot of shit when you are a Raiders fan and you had better learn to not only deal with it but hand it back hot and heavy.

Anything less is unacceptable.

A Bit Of Internet Fun For Those Who have Never Tried This

Apparently this a whack job web trick that someone pulled but it is still kind of fun to show people who have never heard of it before.
They are out there, that's for sure.

The next time you find an especially pernicious wannabe conspiracy theorist you want to spin up and shove off into another orbit, have them type Illuminati into their search engine , backwards.

Then get out of range of flying spittle.

Just for fun, I will let you just copy and paste it to make it easy for you.


If you have never tried it, let me know in the comments what you find.


Sunday, August 31, 2014

Breaking News!

In a stunning discovery earlier today, it was revealed that Philip Paul can, in fact, perform certain menial tasks without direct and constant supervision.

The entire scientific world is in an uproar over the news.

When a reporter contacted the learned Professor Albert Einstein for his opinion he seemed at first confused.
After a moments consideration he simply said "Bullshit, that's impossible".

When pressed for more, he puffed on his pipe contemplatively for a moment, slammed a double shot of Brandy in one gulp and exclaimed, "Look, I know this guy, he makes Barney Fife look like me!".

He declined further comment, explaining that he had urgent business with the SPCA.
His neighbor,one Dr. Schroedinger, has been allegedly locking his cat in a box for extended periods and no one had seen it in quite some time so he was concerned for it's welfare.

Officials are currently looking for witnesses but are having difficulty with people believing them when asked if the news was true.

Phrases like, "That's a knee slapper" and "Who are you trying to bullshit?" were the most common reaction.

News crews have been dispatched on a 24/7 schedule to try and document this alleged miracle but Mr. Paul has barricaded himself in what he is calling his "Man Cave" and refuses to make any statement or appearance.

All we can say for certain is that there has been a continuous metallic pounding noise that has been emanating from the area ever since.

Officials are urging that citizens use caution when approaching the area as there have been unsubstantiated rumors that Mr. Paul may be heavily armed with an entire arsenal of garden tools and subject to prolonged fits of incoherent muttering.

Film at eleven.

Done Partied Out

Been there, done that.

I've come to in completely different cities than I started in before.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

No Rest For The Wicked

I am beginning to suspect I was Genghis Kahn in a previous life and am paying for it now.

I just got done working four back to back twelve hour shifts and a ten to finish the week while getting five and six hours of sleep every night.

I am fucking wasted, tired to the damn bone.

Woke up a few minutes ago after finally getting a solid eight hours of sleep to hear my phone going off.

Scary movies can not fill me with dread like that fucking thing does.

Sure as shit, It's my baby girl has left me a message to call.

I love her more than life its self but when they are in their early twenties they generally don't call just to chat because they are so busy living.

A yep, called her back and she says her car, that recently got stolen and she got back a week later, is making funny noises.

God help me, I didn't want to ask but a guy has to do things he doesn't like sometimes.

I got to hear those famous words I have heard so many times before, it's making a grinding noise when I hit the brakes.......

Fuck. Me..

You would think that being the daughter of a mechanic that she just might know what that noise is but no, she is a real girl and things mechanical are magically propelled and ewww, gross, look at your finger nails Daddy.

Living in Oregon, she doesn't even have to pump her own gas.

So here we go, I told her to get her narrow little ass over here pronto so I can do a brake job on the fucking thing.

I am silently praying to the Gods of Internal Combustion that she called before the fucking rotors are wiped clear the fuck out.

I don't currently have an abundance of money for that shit.

The To Do List is already so damn long that there is no end in sight for that shit anyway and it's like pulling teeth trying to get any help around here so I am going to have to start knocking them out a little at a time, right after I get done with this brake job and take a long nap, maybe.


Well, that could have been worse.
It turned out to be the back brakes, I didn't even get past the front of the house before I figured that out.
Then I was thinking, great, brakes shoes.
Those are a pain in the ass because of the fucking springs and clips and shit but this thing actually had rear disc brakes.

Which brings us to the next issue.
Rear disc brakes on modern cars also have the parking brake incorporated into the caliper and you need a special tool to screw the piston in instead of just squeezing it in like the front ones.

Because I actually did this crap for a living for many years, I just happen to have that tool.
A quick call and a short trip to the local NAPA parts store and her whipping out the card for the $25 bucks and I was all over it.

She paid me with something you can't buy, I got a hug.
Yes, I made her pay for the parts.
I'm not a heartless bastard, it is part of growing up and I have to say I did a damn fine job of raising that girl.

She is very pretty, a petite young lady who happens to be half Mexican and is very nice.

There is only one problem.

She has my attitude about certain things. Like I said, I did a damn fine job.

Look out world, she's coming your way.

Can't say I didn't warn you.