Friday, August 8, 2014
We bombed the shit out of somebody, somewhere, again.
The Bill of Rights has been declared Null and Void and the last remaining copy of the Constitution is now at the bottom of the Whitehouse gardeners parakeet cage.
You taxes just went up, your health care insurance is going to drive you into the poorhouse and your boss is going to inform you Monday that you will be training your replacement who is an immigrant with an HB-1 visa and will work for a third of what you make and send all his earnings to Calcutta to bring the rest of his family here.
Our Southern border no longer exists and DHS has ordered all customs and immigration employees to immediately report for duty as parking meter attendants or manning information booths twenty feet inside the former border so as to give directions to our new neighbors on where to go to collect every thing from tooth brushes to luxury apartments on your fucking dime.
Your official government personal responsibility adviser will be moving in with you next week to ensure that no politically incorrect thoughts you may have ever reach the front door and there will be an armed SWAT team going door to door collecting all weapons of any kind.
You will now butter your toast with a Spork and be watched very closely while doing so.
Your internet connection will be throttled back to 1983 levels and your television OFF button will be permanently removed so as to encourage you to watch and listen to it until your eyes start bleeding and your personal Bubble Wrap suit has been ordered for you.
We can't be having you injure yourself on your way to the indoctrination center now, can we?
Just in case you had any other thoughts or plans the regularly scheduled food delivery truck fleets have all be grounded for safety reasons and the nice fellows from the afore mentioned SWAT team who will be visiting you will also be handing you a voucher packet to be redeemed at the Subsistence Level Nutrition Centers being set up in every town with a cat in it.
You dog lovers will get yours after you get hungry enough to eat your dogs, thus giving us a two for while not having to handle the mangy varmints personally.
We also hope you enjoy the flavor and texture as meat has been declared illegal and the only thing you will be eating is what your former food used to eat.
Stay tuned, updates on the hour, every hour, because we can't make up our minds on who or what to condemn between six and seven thirty yet.